Saturday, 6 January 2007

ummm well kinda blah

So, I decided to not go to an event today.
(for anyone who's reading this, that doesn't understand what I mean, go here )
Why, you ask?

Well, partly it's too hot to wear either of the two frocks that currently fit me.
One is modifiable by taking the sleeves off, but it doesn't look right particularly when I can't get my hair to look good either.
So, that's the first reason.

The second one is.
I didn't want to.

Why are you telling me, you now ask.

Get comfy and let me blather at you for a bit.

I've been a wee bit unhappy lately. yes, some people (okay, doctors) like to call it episodic depression.
I call it feeling like shit.

It's happened on and off for many, many a year and I normally get over it in a a few days or a week or so.
I always figured it was just me being a moody little creature and that I should get over myself.
This 'episode' has gone on for just over a month.
Maybe it has something to do with having a baby or the fact that a lot of unhappy stuff has happened recently.
Who can tell in these wild and wacky times.

I can normally function and be polite and slightly cheerful when out in public, but it's getting harder.

I continue to do social things because they distract me, it would be impolite not to and I'm often a bit cheerier at the end because I like my friends.

However, there are some occasions that are done, because you really do feel as though you have to.
This was one of them.
Then I realised. I didn't have to go.
I had to make sure the food I'd bought made it there but I didn't have to be the one who did it.

So much of my confidence (or scariness) comes from not looking 'stupid'.
Particularly at SCA events.
Not having a pretty frock to wear that I wouldn't overheat in, was the final straw.
I really dislike not looking appropriate.

Now, I'm not writing all of this down so I can get a bunch of 'aawwww, poor dv'.
I don't actually expect anyone will care that much.
I'm mainly writing it as a way to record what I feel like and to let other people know that a lot of people feel like shit.
I realised this after a friend recently confessed that she's had depression since she was a teenager.
It shocked me.
She was an even more bubbly person than me.
I told her how I feel and it was comforting to both of us to know that even normal people get depressed.
So, here's to anyone else who needs to be comforted.

Now, onto something else.

Nice weather we're having lately.

Update: The lovely husband came home from event early and convinced me that it would be fun and I borrowed one of my sisters dresses that was a lot cooler than anything I own.
By that point I had also had a lie down on the couch and watched 'Breakfast at Tiffanys' (oh the outfits)
I had fun.


worldpeace and a speedboat said...

... there's a lot of it about, you know.

yes, I meant the weather ;-)

good on you for having a blather - no-one has to feel brave and put on a happy face all the time.

also, I completely dig the frock business. I've done the same thing! and continue to, and not just in the SCA. part of feeling comfortable with who we are is feeling comfortable about the way we look when we go out - for ourselves and for the way we think others look at us. I hate going out when I don't feel like I look the way I want to. convoluted or what?

you know what I mean.

I hope you enjoyed the arvo after you turned up...

Baggy Trousers said...

We were happy to see you.

And i know what you mean

It's even shitter-er when you HAVE to turn up.

Nothing wrong with a day off.

AutumnHeart said...

I'm sorry to hear you have been sad. I definitely don't think taking a day off when you need it is any sort of wrong, but it was good to see you when you did show up yesterday afternoon.

If you would like an extra sewing fairy to help you make more frocks that fit, give me a call :)

Miss Krin said...

I'm glad you did post. Agreed that sometimes you need to just state the "I'm feeling crap, don't want sympathy as such, just need to tell someone before I blow up". I've also been toying with whether to post when I am feeling crap, or continue with smiley rational posts. I now feel more comfortable doing so, thanks to this post.

btw: I'm glad you did come, it was good to see you.

Wenchilada said...

Hang in there, toots! And I am glad you did turn up. Here was me thinking you had been stolen by WoW or something...

I'd like to be a frog so I can have the greens instead of the blues.

Miss D said...

I was very happy to see you, however briefly and howevermuch we still failed to give you your tent back (which is now agitating for us to put a jacuzzi into the boot for it). Very smart not to come earlier, I had sunburn and incipient heatstroke by the end of the day. Bleagh. You on the other hand looked delightful.

Which you always look, even when you're feeling like poo. So mankiness is not unattractive on you ...

DestructoMeg said...

Did you spot the bathtub couch Holly Golightly has in her apartment?! want want want!

And it has been a hard month or so, I've noticed that many of us are not as festive as we could be, it's foolish to think that what happens to others doesn't affect us, it certainly has affected my moods and willingness to celebrate stuff... I guess it's what happens when you are part of the sort of community we are, other people's actions affect us all greatly.

But just as you help out those who need it at the time, so you can let others worry about stuff sometimes and take time to sit on the couch .. it's what we are here for :)

Hunydd said...

Funny, someone told me that you were not well on Sat, and I thought "oh, that's no good". Then I heard somewhere else that you "accidentally" spent the morning playing WoW, and I thought "oh, that's all right then"......

I like to think that I surround myself with sensible people (oh, all right, only marginally sensible, but you've accepted me as a friend, so you can't be too silly!), and I would rather miss them knowing that they are looking after their own well being than have the pleasure of their company at the risk of them being unhappy (hopefully not because of my company).

Mind you, I'll only put up with the missing bit for so long until I invite myself round for tea and be mean to you until you laugh or chase me out of the house and down the street with a stick...

When it all comes down to it, it's OK to be sad, makes being happy all the sweeter.

I hope some of that makes sense - I'm a bit broken after the weekend.

Wenchilada said...

By the way, the weather *was* superb on the weekend. Nicely done, Miss DV, nicely done! No wonder you needed some time-out, that must've been really tough to organise!

The Other Andrew said...

I've done a few turns around the floor, dancing the Episodic Depression Tango. Thankfully only mildly. It's a bitch. What I hate is the way it also robs you of motivation, so you feel flat and crap - and then, well, who can be arsed doing things to try and get better?...

Christmas is a boon to depression, really. It's a major trigger for many people. Stress, financial stress... family 'stuff'. I was feeling a bit depressed over the Christmas period this year myself. Stupid Christmas. :)